May 24, 2016
The gentle murmurs of another language dissolve into my ears as I playback the great artists works I soaked in today at the Austrian Gallery Belvedere. Sagantini, Schindler, Klinger, Klimt, Gogh, Makart, Monet, Thöny, Laske. Sitting on a park bench watching the birds, I feel as though I am in an Impressionistic painting. Seeing how the wind moves the water, leaves quivering, birds flying in unison. So easy. So perfect.
May 25, 2016
I had my first massage at Dr. Kleef’s office by Ushi today. I knew it was going to be interesting when she told me to strip while she just stood there and watched me. Fortunately, I’m not too shy. She had me lie down face up. No music, no dim lights, no heated bed, no trickling water, no talking, no sheets tucked in to those private areas. Just a wonderful massage with cupping, hot stones, skin combing, and slap-whacking. I loved it!
May 28, 2016
My treatment yesterday kicked my butt. First, I put on white sweats with a big cut out hole in the crotch, hmmm…what’s that for? I lay down in what looked like an aluminum Egyptian tomb. Was told to spread my legs in broken English. Catheter! Aha! While my nurse, Susana, put it in she sang some crazy German song and then finished off with, “Bravo Kaci! Bravo!” She wasn’t done there! Nope, I was extra special and got the good ‘ol butt thermometer and a shot in the ass! I just really love not knowing what the hell is going on! The nurses proceeded to then wrap me up like a mummy all the way to the tips of my fingers and toes. I was then sealed into my heat tomb for 8 hours where I held a 104 degree fever, luckily I was sedated, or else I would have really lost it.
I walked home like a zombie, made it back to my flat, and passed out fully clothed for 14 hours. Feeling much better today, except for the pangs of missing family and all things familiar. I haven’t even been gone for 2 weeks and my body is craving a hug, kiss and a nice conversation with someone who “get’s it”.
May 30, 2016
Just when you feel your reserves getting low and your having a hard time in life, something happens to you to fill your supply back up. In my case it came in the form of a beautiful American/Bulgarian family. My sister in law, Beth, helped make this far off and long connection a reality just when I needed it.
I was met by a stunning American woman named Carrie, who has lived in Vienna for 15 years. Upon meeting her and seeing the love and compassion in her blue eyes, I immediately wanted to breakdown. I guess I hadn’t realized how vulnerable I was. Knowing I didn’t want to lose my shit in the first minute, I pulled it together. She swept me away in her Range Rover and gave me a fun driving tour. We strolled thru the narrow streets of Vienna finding that we had many similarities. It felt so good to laugh and talk, talk, talk about life, dis-ease, health, family, our past lives. We felt such a cool connection that we stopped on a busy street and hugged, which felt so nourishing because I hadn’t felt a hug since leaving Oregon.
I was invited out to their home in the country for dinner. I was met by Ivan, Carrie’s charming Bulgarian husband, and their two very polite sons, Zack (13) and Luca (10). The boys and I talked about skiing, and they thought it was pretty cool that we skied on an old volcano back home, and I thought it was cool that they know 3 languages and take the train to school. When the boys went to bed that night they gently touched my shoulder and said, “It was a pleasure meeting you.” My heart filled even more!
It truly amazes me that when you feel your tank running on empty, somebody or something comes along and fills it back up, helping you along your journey. I wound up spending the entire following weekend with Carrie and her family in their loving and healing home. They treated me like a goddess. I felt so nourished physically and spiritually. We all agreed that we met each other not just by chance. I felt like I’ve known Carrie a very long time. To meet an old soul sister again in Vienna, of all places. My cup is full and I’m ready to continue my quest.
June 1, 2016
I have been getting a lot of tests done. Tests my American doctors never did or even offered to me. Tumor marker tests, biologics sensitivity test, and a blood test that detected higher then normal metal. Each person is different, each cancer is different, drugs effect people and disease differently. So what I like most about these tests is that they are more finely tuned and specific per individual. Sensitivity towards different chemotherapy’s and natural compounds. So, if your specific cancer finds a drugs that it is sensitive to say by 86%, doesn’t that sound like that makes more sense then just giving the ‘standard treatment of care’?
June 11, 2016
After my week of hell and healing I’m lying in bed listening to Aretha Franklin, ‘I Never Loved a Man the Way I Love You’, imagining myself dancing around the kitchen making a meal for my family. I am so ready to go home after that.
I get to leave the intensivüberwachung today! But I cannot leave without writing down my experience here. An experience that felt torturous at times and then dreamy psychedelic drug hallucinations of fantastical proportions at other times. The depth in which my mind travelled is something I want to share, but not sure I can actually ‘write’ that deep. Everything is still very clear, even now when I close my eyes there is a masterpiece being played out.
My wonderful-get-shit-done-New-York-mother-in-law, Jojo, came to Vienna armed and ready to help me get thru this phase, and thank God she did! I hadn’t realized just how difficult each day would become for me. All I had to do was mutter, “Banana”, which seemed to be the only thing my body wanted when I was able to eat. Jojo would be right by my side breaking off bite sized pieces feeding me like a child. Rubbing my aching back until, I’m sure, her back ached. Sending out emails to concerned friends and family back home. Alerting the doctors when my temperature would be on the rise, 40C, 40.5C, 40.9C, 41.1C!!! Telling me everything was going to be OK when I would start to breakdown. Yes, Jojo was my anchor to love and family. When I thought I would float away, she was there with her beacon to guide me safely back. Everyone needs a Jojo in their life.
Now then, lets go back to Monday, June 6, when we arrived at our healing hell oasis of intensive care. Lovely 2 room private residence with a chef, pool, garden Buddha and a white rabbit living in the back yard. Right away I felt nervous, upon seeing how nice everything was made me realize that this will be a week to remember to try to forget. I made myself comfortable in bed, where I would spend the next 5 days. My assigned Bulgarian nurse, Kriztina, got me all hooked up to monitors, devices, etc…along with a catheter and, my favorite, butt thermometer. I was ready for my first dose of Interlueken2. As my blond and buxom Bulgarian started the IL2 she looked at me somewhat pathetically, crossed her fingers and gave a foreign prayer, I think? I couldn’t tell, all I knew was that there was no turning back now, only charging ahead into the unknown storm of something called INTERLUEKEN 2.
It came on slowly, feelings of being cold then shaking uncontrollably. Moving my body and mind into the crashing waves of a 104 degree fever. Where I would stay for 4 hours. That first night was not easy. I almost held it together only to lose everything in my stomach all over the wood floor. Of course I brought no conservative and plain underwear. So every night as I reached my 104F, I let it ALL hang out. You really don’t care about much at that temp. Envision leopard print bikini panties with tubes hanging out of the crotch, t-shirt covering the essentials, totally sprawled out incoherently on top of white folded sheets. WHATEVER! is what was going thru my mind, along with a few other choice words. Dr. Kleef would come check on me while stroking the white rabbit or sometimes a Russian chihuahua saying, “You are such a strong gurl!” This vision only amplified my hallucinations.
At one point I complained to Kriztina about hemorrhoids and inquired if she had any salve. She proceeded in rolling me over pulling the butt thermometer half way out, twisting and pushing back into my basket of blueberries. It was excruciating! Maybe she thought I was asking for more hemorrhoids? I decided to let that one go and just deal with the pain I already had instead of asking for more.
Each day my body was becoming more and more saturated with IL2. So, each day the fevers and visuals became more intense. By the time I reached my final day I was really having some out of body experiences. Messages coming from deep within me. It felt more like an exorcism. At the height of my fever, 105.98F, I was having very real images. I felt as though I was a tiny person inside of my body which looked like the inside of a 17th century Viennese cathedral tower ornately designed with complicated filigree workmanship. As I looked around dark and demonic faces and images came out of the shadows. I knew I was going into battle, but was not scared. I reached down for my blue laser gun and shot everything that did not serve me into oblivion. Of course I had perfect aim! The experience was ultra real but I was also aware as to what was happening and where I was.
What I found interesting was that as my body was reaching my maximum fever, I was restless and agitated. But, once I arrived at 105.98F, I became completely still as if in a deep trance for 4 hours. I felt peace and pure confidence with my blue laser gun. It was an amazing experience to say the least.
The following day as my temperature and appetite returned to normal, and the bulk of the intense therapy was behind me, the very second I closed my eyes to go to sleep, I saw non-stop flowing waterfalls, cascading long falls, flowing, flowing, flowing. It felt fantastic! The falls were close up at first then I slowly zoomed out, further and further only to realize that the flowing falls were actually a magnification of my brain! Absolutely unbelievable but so very real! My body knew just what to do. I was able to reach places in my mind that I had no idea even existed. This whole experience made me realize how incredible all of our brains are, we are LIMITLESS!!!!
I felt such gratitude that my body and mind were able to go so deeply. This was so much more then what I could have ever imagined. Now, time will tell. Right now my body is building huge armies, marching, marching, marching. Their mission;
SEARCH AND DESTROY!
Dr. Kleef was thrilled with my blood tests and gave me the go ahead to go home early! So here I sit on my plane flying over the Atlantic heading West. My little girls have no idea! They will all be at a 3 day music festival where I will go find them and hug their little bodies, laugh, cry, roll around, hold them close and let them know that Mama’s back.
November 27, 2016
Life is beautiful even when we struggle 